


Careful Fear and Dead Devotion

by Tdtori



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-10-06 16:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10338958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tdtori/pseuds/Tdtori
Summary: You’re going to do great, Joonas texts him with a heart emoji attached. He then sends another text that’s just the compass emoji withLove you.-------------------The one where you have a compass on your wrist showing/guiding you to where your soulmate is.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I truly never meant for this fic to be this long. Also, I apologize in advance.
> 
> Title is from "Don't Swallow the Cap" by The National

Anton had never really been a fan of the compass on his wrist. His mother had showed him hers, explaining that it showed where his father was and that his own was pointing to his own soulmate.

 

It was more annoying than anything.

 

Even covered in hockey pads he could feel the needle spin and adjust. Most of the time it was pointing towards the east. Then it would slowly start to move north. His soulmate had terrible timing when it came to traveling. “You better be someone famous,” Anton muttered under his breath as he took off the gear.

 

His soulmate moved around a lot, probably almost as much he did, he wondered if he got annoyed at his compass too.

 

\-----

 

He flies out to Springfield, Massachusetts in September of 2013 after getting assigned there from the Columbus Blue Jackets. His compass still pointing east, but more aggressively now. As if it was saying to him that he was too far away.

 

Ryan Craig laughed at him every time he itched at it or complained about it. “You gotta get used to it, kid.”  
  
Anton sighed and pulled down the sleeve of his shirt, hiding it. “I don’t _like_ it. It’s annoying. Does it not annoy you when you’re on the ice?”

 

“Nah. I got used to it a while ago. Still haven’t met my soulmate, but at least I have an idea on where he is.” Ryan smiled and threw his bag over his shoulder. “Hopefully you don’t have to wait as long as I have...or you might cost us a spot in the playoffs.”

 

All he could do was throw a sweaty wrist guard at him as Ryan walked away, shaking with laughter.

 

Yeah, he better meet his soulmate soon or else he was going to carve the compass out himself.

 

\-----

 

While in training camp the next season in Columbus the compass stops moving, only moves slightly at times, but Anton’s soulmate is here. In a city of over eight hundred thousand people.

 

Suddenly, he wishes his soulmate was back in Europe.

 

He starts a preseason game and some Finnish guy named Joonas Korpisalo back him up. The kid looks to be about fifteen, expect for the fact he’s definitely taller and bigger than himself. The first game of the season always makes Anton a little nervous, even if it is just a preseason game. “Are you nervous?” He asks as they’re both on the bike loosening up.

 

Joonas just smiles. “I don’t know the meaning of the word. Besides, I’m just the backup.”

 

“They’re going to give you the second half of the game,” He says plainly and when Joonas puts his arms over his head he catches a glimpse at his wrist. The compass is pointing relatively in his direction. Anton then slowly looks down at his own wrist where his compass is pointing at Joonas. A coincidence. There’s over eight hundred thousand people in this city. “Uh, good luck.” He mumbles before jumping off the bike and heading into the dressing room.

 

It’s a coincidence.

 

\-----

 

They get sent to Massachusetts together and Joonas doesn’t stop talking the entire flight. Anton would find it endearing, except he’s trying to get some sleep. “You’re from Sweden right? Played in the SHL?”

 

Anton cracks open one of his eyes, glaring at Joonas hoping he’d get the idea. He doesn’t. “Yes, I did. You played in Liiga for Ilves.”

 

A smile forms across his mouth. “How’d you know that?”

 

His face turns slightly red and he looks down at the compass, it’s still pointing at Joonas like it did all of training camp. A sinking feeling in his stomach telling him that he’s going to have to compete for a starting role with his soulmate. There’s still a chance that he’s overreacting about nothing. He does that sometimes, like when he stops a puck and thinks it’s slowly slipping behind him. It usually never is, but that doesn’t stop Anton from worrying about it. “Oh, uh, well…”

 

“Curious about me?” Joonas is _smirking_ now and all Anton can do is roll his eyes. “What’s Springfield like?” He asks, changing the subject after he realizes he isn’t going to get a reaction out of Anton.

 

Anton shrugs, picking at his wrist again. “It’s fine. It’s a nice town.”

 

There’s a long silence and Anton hopes this means Joonas is done talking, but instead he feels his eyes on him. “What are you doing?”

 

He crosses his arms over his chest. “Nothing. Mind your own business.”

 

The compass is suppose to be helpful, something about helping you find your soulmate, but so far it's just caused Anton more problems than anything.

 

\-----

 

His mother calls one afternoon before he has a game. The homesickness turns inside him again at the sound of her voice. She talks about his siblings and dad and how is grandma is doing. His brother is going to university and apparently is extremely homesick, Anton feels for him and makes a mental note to call him soon. His sister just got engaged. He feels like he's missing every important thing that's happening over there.

 

Offhandedly he mentions the compass stopped working a few weeks ago, sometime while he was in Columbus.

 

She laughs knowingly and tells him that his soulmate must be following him. Then, more seriously, says that it might be a guy on the team.

 

Anton shuts down that idea immediately. “Det bryts, Mamma.”

 

“Om man säger så, älskling.”

 

He says his goodbyes, but he can’t stop thinking about what his mom suggested. It isn’t like his mom is all knowing, but she’s an incredibly smart woman. Still...it occupies his thoughts during the game. Which might be why they lose 4-1.

 

After the game Joonas follows him down the tunnel. “What was that?”  
  
Anton turns away and raises an eyebrow. “What was _what_ ? The _game_? I haven’t seen you play any better.” It’s cold and he goes to apologize, but Joonas is already at his own stall peeling his gear off. He goes over and stands awkwardly beside him. “I’m...sorry. I should not have said that.”

 

Joonas shrugs and pulls his shoulder pads over his head. “Forget about it. It isn’t like you are _wrong_ . Everyone knows I have played like shit.”  
  
“You’ll get better. I still shouldn’t have said that.” Anton rocks back and forth, still in his skates. Joonas stares up at him with a tiny smile. “Okay...we should forget about it then.”  
  
Joonas nods and Anton goes back to his stall, looking over at him with a smile of his own.

 

\-----

 

Anton doesn’t have to worry about Joonas taking his starting job. He’s playing some of his best hockey _ever_ and it isn’t that Joonas is bad, it’s just...he’s struggling a little with the North American ice. Which is understandable, the same thing happened to Anton.

 

They go out to lunch (more like Joonas drags him out, because he saw a cool restaurant on Instagram and wanted to try it out) after practice one day, Joonas visibly frustrated.

 

It’s different. Usually he’s pretty upbeat, excited, and now...well, Anton feels a little bad for him. “You will get better. I mean, you have played, what? Two games? Relax.” He smiles a little and throws his arm around Joonas’ shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

 

“Everything is so...it’s not the same.” Joonas says with a frown. “Did you ever get homesick?”

 

It’s a nice day, so they sit outside and Anton watches a few people past. “Of course. Härnösand is home, but the guys are nice and the city is not that bad.” The older guys in particular were really good about making sure he felt welcome and settled in okay. Anton doesn’t really consider himself an older guy, but he wants Joonas to at least feel comfortable here.

 

Still, Joonas doesn’t really eat lunch even after raving about how excited he was about going there. “You know what I hate?”

 

He’s in the middle of taking a bite, so he shakes his head. Even though he does hardly know the guy, Anton’s not really fan of seeing Joonas upset. He’s a good hockey player and a decent guy.

 

“The compass.” He holds his wrist up where the needle is completely still. “I mean, I think it might be broken, because it isn’t moving, but _vittu_ , it’s annoying.”  
  
Anton can’t help but laugh. “I hate it too. It was always bothering me during games, especially once I came here. Mine stopped working too. Weird.”

 

It doesn’t sound so weird once Anton actually says it out loud, in fact, he’s pretty sure his face flushes. Joonas raises an eyebrow. “Yes, very weird indeed.”

 

\-----

 

At the end of October he gets recalled to Columbus, so he packs up his hockey shit and other stuff he might need and says bye to the team for a little bit. His nerves are through the roof, his first NHL call-up. He’s getting ready to leave, his flight leaves in a few hours, when Joonas stops him in the hallway of the apartment complex. They live practically right next to each other, not on purpose of course. The team suggested this complex to them, to all the new guys, besides Anton lived here first.  “I got to go, Joonas.”  
  
Joonas puts a hand on his shoulder and smiles brightly (his smile is so goofy, Anton thinks to himself), “You will be great. As always.”

 

Anton smiles back and a thought cross his mind that he should kiss him, but he doesn’t. “Thanks, Joonas. Hold the...the fort? Hold the fort down.”

 

They stand there for a few more moments in silence before Anton coughs and says he really does have to get going now. Before he gets to the elevator he looks behind him to see Joonas still smiling at him. He smiles back and gives him a tiny wave.

 

\-----

 

Before warm-ups for his first NHL game ever he can’t stop looking at the compass. It’s pointing east, telling him to go back to Springfield where his soulmate is waiting for him. He’s thankful that it stays pointing to the east, steadily, for the entire game.

 

Still, he can’t stop thinking about it.

 

Anton gets sent back to Springfield after his first game, a 3-2 loss to New Jersey. It isn’t his worse game and for his first NHL game it’s pretty good, but it never feels good to lose. He knows he should have had one of those goals and it’s his own fault for being distracted, but Anton promises himself he’ll do better next time.

 

The flight is boring, he watches a few movies he has on his laptop, and he watches the needle of the compass.

 

Once the plane lands the needle changes as he drives back to his apartment. It points north, then changes its mind and points west. Whether his soulmate moving or is the compass just trying to reset itself, he isn’t sure.

 

Anton’s exhausted when he gets inside his apartment. It’s quiet and dark and...empty. He’s used to coming home to an empty apartment, he does it _all the time_ , but it would be nice if maybe he had a roommate and two bedroom apartment. Or if he got a cat.

 

(For a moment he thinks about his soulmate for a moment. Maybe if he found them they would live with him and his apartment would feel more homely. But he quickly pushes that aside.)

 

Maybe he’ll go to a shelter tomorrow after practice.

 

\-----

 

Joonas is given the nod on the second half of a back-to-back and it goes poorly. He ends up getting pulled in the second to have Anton relief him.

 

There's too much damage done by the time he goes in net and they lose the game.

 

“Don't.” Joonas says as they get on the bus, almost the second Anton sits down next to him.

 

He pulls out his iPod and gives Joonas the other earbud. “I didn't say anything.” Joonas puts it in his ear and puts his head against the window. “Joonas…everyone has shit gam-”

 

“I said don't, Anton. I _know_ people have shit games, but that's _all_ I have lately. It's pretty shitty feeling not that you would know.” Joonas barks at him before putting his head back against the window.

 

There's nothing Anton can really say, so he nods his head and leans back in his chair. He's tired, but after an hour he realizes that he isn't going to fall asleep. For what seems like forever he traces the compass, the outline, the needle, the way it's tugging towards Joonas.

 

“Is it still broken?” Joonas says, making Anton jump and himself laugh.

 

“Kind of?” He says, showing Joonas. “It was working when I was in Columbus and on the plane.”

 

Joonas takes his wrist, a few fingers wrapping around it loosely. His hand is hot against his skin. “Mine did the same thing...I mean, I don't know about the plane, but while you were in Columbus it worked.”

 

There's a long pause. Joonas tightening around his wrist. Anton’s face is flushed, he can feel his neck turn red too. “Weird.” He says as he takes his wrist back.

 

“Or maybe-” But Joonas is cut off. They're back in Springfield now.

 

\-----

 

Neither of them talk about the compass again. Anton is still searching for an answer and god only knows what Joonas is thinking. Maybe his is just a fluke. Maybe this city just fucks it up too much.

 

But he tries not to focus on the obvious suggestion. Soulmates are not that easy. Nothing else in his life is easy, so why would his love life be?

 

\-----

 

Anton gets the nod for the All-Star game in Utica and there’s a grin a mile wide when he is given the news.

 

“All-Star game, huh?” Joonas says when he comes out of the offices.

 

Anton slings his bag over his shoulder and nods. “It’s in Utica.” Joonas gives him a look. “It’s uh...in New York? Near Canada.”

 

He nods, “Right. Well, you deserve it. You have been ridiculous this season. Wanna get lunch? My treat, obviously.” Joonas smiles and how can Anton say no to that?”

 

Lunch is quiet for the most part and Anton can’t help but to think that maybe he said something wrong. Korpi has been awfully distant, which isn’t really like him at all. He goes over their conversations and he doesn’t think he’s said anything to piss him off. “You’re quiet.”

 

Joonas shrugs and focuses on his sandwich. “Long day.”

 

He feels guilty for something he didn't even do, he doesn't want Joonas to be distant from him. He's practically his best friend at this point. “I wish I could be going on vacation with you. Honestly, that sounds like way more fun than Upper New York.”

 

Joonas cracks a smile and looks up at him through his lashes. “I'm going to Cancun with some of the guys. Maybe I will not be so deathly pale after.”

 

Suddenly, Anton’s brain is picturing Joonas on a beach in swim trunks and a drink in his hand. He wishes he could join him, really. “You're Finnish. Deathly pale is in your DNA.” He finally chirps back.

 

“Oh shut up. Not like you are much tanner.” He picks off a piece of bread and throws it at Anton.

 

Anton laughs and pushes Joonas with his foot. “No, but we tan much better.”

 

He hums, “I bet you do. Then again you do look like every other Swedish model hockey player.”

 

“I...I do not look like a Swedish model.” Is all that Anton can really come back with. “Just...eat your damn food.” He rolls his eyes and Joonas just laughs.

 

While Korpi is checking his phone Anton keeps stealing small looks at him. At one point Joonas notices him and raises an eyebrow. “See something you like?”

 

Anton just pulls out his own phone. “Fuck off.” He mumbles with a smile and Joonas laughs. He’s really going to need to get a handle on his emotions, sooner rather than later since they have playoffs to push for.

 

\-----

 

At the All-Star game his compass spins and moves to the south and slightly to the west.

 

Anton pulls up Cancun on his phone and he isn't nearly as surprised as he thought he would be to find out that Cancun is southwest compared to Utica.

 

In fact, it gives him an almost peace.

 

\-----

 

He gets back to his apartment in Springfield and inside is Joonas, sitting in the kitchen looking at his phone. It takes him a minute to realize he gave Joonas a spare key a week or so ago. “When'd you get back?” Anton asks as he sets his bags down.

 

“A few hours ago. I knew you were going to get back soon,” Joonas says as he points to his wrist. “The needle wouldn't stop.”

 

Anton grins and makes his way to the kitchen. “Good to know you have a way to keep tabs on me now.”

 

“Now? I knew it from when we both came here. I just...I wasn't sure if you knew.” Korpi seems almost flustered, still half looking at his phone. “I was just...acting like I didn't know it was you.”

 

His mouth drops and he shoves Joonas’ shoulder. “Asshole. Here I was thinking _you_ didn't know.” There’s a huge weight lifted off of his shoulders. All his pinning, if he can even call it that, hadn’t been for nothing. It would’ve really sucked if it took Joonas much longer to figure it out, because Anton’s not sure if he would be able to bring it up to him. What if it ended up not being Joonas at all? That would’ve made their relationship incredibly awkward.

 

The both laugh and Joonas stands up, cupping the side of Anton’s face with one of his hands. “Even if I didn't have the damn compass...I would've known it was you.”

 

There's really nothing Anton can say to that, even if he could find the words to say something. “So, are you going to kiss me or do you need a compass to tell you that?”

 

“Fuck you.” Joonas says before kissing him, his other hand almost immediately going to the other side of Anton’s face.

 

His hands are on Joonas’s shirt, pulling him closer, as he opens his mouth. Then Anton pulls back and tugs Joonas to his bedroom. “You want to stay at my place for a while?”

 

“I'll stay with you wherever.”

 

Anton smiles and pushes Joonas down onto his bed before crawling on top of him. “Good answer,” He whispers before kissing his neck.

 

\------------------------

 

The Columbus Blue Jackets move their minor league team to Cleveland, wanting them to be closer in case they need to recall somebody.

 

It makes sense and Anton isn't mad at the move, but Springfield had become a second home to him. He knew where the restaurants he liked to go to were, he could get to the rink from his apartment with his eyes closed, and now he was being forced to move.

 

His apartment, or should he say Joonas and his apartment, was a mess with them trying to pack. “Cleveland. It will be a fun adventure!” Joonas is way too excited about the whole moving to another state thing. As he packs away some pictures of his family he gives Anton a quick kiss.

 

“Do you not like it here?” Anton asks as he messes with the kitchenware. Springfield was a great city and he had figured that Joonas loved it just as much as he did.

 

Ever since they got together earlier in the season Anton hasn't looked at his wrist once; except when he got recalled to Columbus, just because he liked watching the needle move. The thing he used to hate and scratch at was now one of his favorite thing.

 

Joonas shrugs and looks back up at him, holding a picture of them with Bill. “Sure, but it'll be the same team. Besides, I've only be here one year.” Anton frowns. “It will be _fun,_ Anton.”

 

He sighs and continues putting dishes into a box. It'll be fine, it's just that he got attached to the city and he isn't really ready to say goodbye. But maybe a new city will be good for the team, make it'll bring them more luck.

 

Even with the fact the sports teams of Cleveland haven’t won a championship in...well, a very long time.

 

\-----

 

Anton tries not to be bitter when it's Joonas getting the call to Columbus in December. It's obvious that Joonas has been playing better in Cleveland, which leaves Anton baffled considering how he played last season, but...it's good to see him succeed. Even if it means his playing time gets cut.

 

Only, Joonas is getting recalled because Bobrovsky has a major injury. Who knows when he'll be coming back. It leaves a sour taste in Anton’s mouth and a sinking feeling in his stomach.

 

“Isn't it exciting?!” He says as he packs a bag while Anton hovers in the doorway.

 

Anton just smiles, “Enjoy it. Try not to forget about everyone back here.”

 

Joonas zips up his suitcase and stands up, still a few feet away from him. “Oh, I will be reminded daily.” He smiles and taps his wrist before putting his hand on Anton’s waist. “Hold the fort down while I'm gone?”

 

“I'll try.” He mumbles and Joonas kisses him before leaving.

 

The needle already starting to move.

 

He had forgotten about how bothersome that was and how bothersome it would be during games.

 

\-----

 

The first game he plays after Joonas goes to Columbus he loses, the needle bothering him.

 

He hasn't checked the Blue Jackets schedule, but he figures they must be playing away, because the needle slowly starts moving to the southeast.

 

Zarr comes up to him after the game, guiding him out to the parking lot. “Let's get a drink.”

 

Anton isn't really in the mood, but he says yes nonetheless. He needs to go out more, it’s just that he’s never been one for the club and bar scene. It gives him a migraine and he never ends up drinking enough to make it worthwhile, but Daniel is his friend and they’re just grabbing a drink. There’s a difference.

 

He tries not to think what Joonas is doing and if he’s having fun, it just leaves a sour taste in his mouth.

 

They grab a booth far away from the entrance and Anton takes a generous drink of beer. The needle has stopped moving, which is nice, and Joonas has texted him saying he's going to start tomorrow in Tampa. They don't have a game tomorrow, so Anton quickly shoots back that he’ll be watching. And that he's proud of him, it seems like the right thing to say. “Can I see yours?” He asks, nodding towards Daniel’s compass.

 

Daniel rolls his sleeve up and his needle is pointing east. Then he rolls up his other sleeve and that compass is pointing north. “My girlfriend lives here, but our other partner is still in Sweden.”

 

Anton is fascinated by the fact Daniel has two, that must get really annoying. “So, she has two?” He wonders how that works, if some people have three compasses and where the third one would be. What if someone has two, but their soulmate only has one? Maybe the system is faulty.

 

“Yes, we got together first, and then met Henrik. He has two compasses two. We’re lucky it has worked out.” Daniel smiles and pulls his sleeves back down. “Is it weird? With Korpi?”

 

“Never.” He says instantly. “He's one of my best friends. Everything just...works between us.”

 

They both take a drink and Daniel’s mouth twists. “I don't think I could handle my soulmate being on the same team as me. Especially as goalies. There's so much competition for playing time.”

 

His beer is almost gone and it's getting late, so Anton kind of wants to leave, but Daniel still wants to keep the night and the conversation going. “Um...I guess? I don't think about it too much. I'm playing more now that he's in Columbus.”

 

“Aren't you jealous that he got called to the NHL?”

 

Anton pauses and finishes his drink, swallowing the beer and his feelings. “No, not at all.”

 

\-----

 

He doesn't get to watch the game against Philadelphia, but he sees that Joonas won his first NHL game. There's a picture of him at center ice after being named first star of the game. Anton's happy for him, really, it's great that Joonas is doing so well.

 

He just wishes he was doing well in Cleveland where Anton actually gets to see him regularly.

 

Still, he sends a congratulatory text with two heart emojis.

 

A few minutes later he gets a text back that says, _Thankss, loev you_ with a couple kissing emojis. Suddenly, whatever jealousy he was feeling disappears; the drunk text makes his heartache. His compass is steadily pointing in the direction of Columbus and Anton wishes he could jump on I-71 and go see him. He still needs a GPS to get there, but the compass, he thought, could help him just as well.

 

\-----

 

It’s the day before New Year’s Eve when Joonas texts him that he gets getting sent back to Cleveland. Anton _knows_ he shouldn’t really be celebrating that, but he’s excited to see him after not seeing him for a couple weeks.

 

 **_I’ll see you soon :) !_ ** He sends and goes to the message from Oliver, who is inviting them out to a New Year’s Eve party. It seems shitty to say no, so he doesn’t, even though he doesn’t really want to share Joonas with anyone else that night.

 

A few minutes later his phone pings again and instead of a message from Oliver, it’s from Joonas. **_Don’t count on it_ ** **.**

 

Which...what does _that_ mean? Anton starts panicking, because what if he’s breaking up with him? Shit. But...that doesn’t make _any_ sense. It isn’t like they’ve fought or had any major disagreements. It isn’t like Joonas can read his mind and find out that Anton is wildly jealous of his success.  Anton sits there for a few minutes trying to calm himself back down when he gets the phone call that he’s being recalled, pack your bags and get on the interstate.

 

It’s funny, watching his compass as he drives, because he figures they must’ve passed each other at some point, because suddenly the needle starts pointing north. So much for spending New Year’s Eve with Joonas, but...he’s happy that he’s being recalled to the big club.

 

 **_You’re going to do great_ ** , Joonas texts him with a heart emoji attached. He then sends another text that’s just the compass emoji with **_Love you_ **.

 

Anton stares at it for a moment while his car fills up with gas, it’s freezing out, but he isn’t even paying any attention to it. Or to the fact his car was finished filling up a minute ago. **_Love you too._ ** He’s happy to get his shot this season, but he literally just made plans and it’s been weeks since he’s seen Joonas.

 

 _The universe_ , Anton thinks, _has a strange sense of humor_.

 

\-----

 

The day after the new year starts he’s sitting on the bench in Nationwide, with his hat on backwards, only half watching the game when Torts puts a hand on his shoulder telling him he’s going in to relieve Mac. At first he’s confused, regulation just ended, so he’s going to be thrust into his first game this season in overtime. But Torts keep staring at him, so he pulls the hat off and puts on his mask.

 

“Good luck, kid.” Says a voice, who he’s pretty sure is Foligno, but he can’t be sure.

 

It’s not enough that he has to be starting his season debut in overtime, he has to be starting in overtime against the league leading Washington Capitals.

 

 _Well,_ he thinks, _if Joonas can get his first NHL win in overtime, then so can I._

 

He ends up getting it in the shootout, but a win's a win and his heart feels full when the team congratulates him. When he gets back to his hotel room there's a million texts in the Monsters group chat congratulating him, but there's also one just from Joonas. **_Forgot how much I enjoyed watching you. Congrats :)_ **

 

Anton sighs and stares at his wrist, as if that's going to somehow transport him back to Cleveland. As if looking at it is somehow a link to Joonas himself. He ends up calling him, even though it’s late and the Monsters just got done with their own game (and play again tomorrow). “Hey,” He says, just barely above a whisper.

 

“Hi, Anton,” Joonas says, quietly and sleepily, “I'm proud of you.”

 

He smiles and, oh, how he wishes he was there right now. “Wish you could've been here for it.” It would've been nice to be able to celebrate a victory like this with him. The guys in Columbus are great, they're really nice, but he doesn't know them and they don't really know him.

 

Joonas sighs and he hears some of the other guys chirping him; they must know he's talking to him. “Me too. Would've been better than here.”

 

The Monsters lost 3-1 and Anton feels bad that he's happy about his victory when his friends and boyfriend just lost. “Hopefully I'll be back soon.”

 

“You better be. The bed is lonely without you.” Anton can just tell Joonas is smirking as he says that. “I did learn that I _can_ fit into some of your shirts, you're too damn skinny. But...I am wearing a Sweden National Team shirt right now.”

 

It takes him a moment to fully process what Joonas is saying, there's something oddly attractive about Joonas wearing a Sweden Hockey shirt. “A Finn in a Team Sweden shirt? That's a sight to see.” Anton manages to say, but the mental image is still strong in his mind.

 

A few seconds later there's a text from Joonas with a picture of himself in the Team Sweden shirt, the smirk plastered in his face. “Do you like it?”

 

The picture isn't at all remarkable, it's just him in one of Anton's shirts, but it makes his head feel fuzzy all the same. “Uh...yeah, you look...it suits you.” There's more laughter and Anton realizes that he's on speaker, go figure, that is so like Joonas he should've expected it.

 

His imagination gets away from him, picturing Joonas in one of his international jerseys. The Tre Kronor on his chest.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Joonas whispers, probably turned speaker off now.

 

Anton swallows and steadied his breath. “You. Just...you in a Team Sweden jersey.” He knows that Joonas is probably smirking again and figuring out how fast he can get one.

 

“I'll see what I can do.”

 

The call ends a few minutes later and Anton's head is reeling. It's tortuous that Joonas isn't here right now with him.

 

\-----

 

Towards the end of January Anton gets the call that he’s being called to Columbus again. Bobrovsky came back too early and has to go back on IR, so they need him. At this point he already has a bag ready from how many times he’s been sent up and down the state.

 

As he’s driving south, keeping a close eye on his compass, he realizes that for the first time in what seems like forever, he and Joonas will be playing together again. One of them has been in Columbus for the entire season while the other in Cleveland. He can’t help but to get excited about it, it feels like ages since he’s seen Joonas in person and not through Skype.

 

Sure, it means he’ll be playing backup and he’ll just be keeping the bench warm, but getting to see his boyfriend (no matter how much he hates sitting on the bench) is always a good thing.

 

Anton doesn’t even book a hotel room, he has Joonas send him directions to his and knows it would be pointless booking a separate room. Especially when they would just be together in one or the other’s.

 

“I was getting impatient,” Joonas says with his stupid grin when he opens the door to his room. “Thought you had gotten lost, because the needle wouldn’t stop spinning.”

 

He drops his bags near where Korpi is keeping his and immediately lays down on the bed. “Maybe your compass is broken.” Anton mumbles into a pillow, waiting for Joonas’s weight to dip the bed. “I’ve missed you.”

 

There’s the dip in the bed.

 

Joonas puts his hand on Anton’s back and he rolls over, looking up at him. “I’ve missed you, too. I’m happy to have you as my backup again.”  
  
Anton pouts. “What about happy to have your _boyfriend_ back again?”

 

“That too, obviously.” Joonas grins and covers Anton’s body with his own. “Always happy to shut that compass up.” Anton goes to argue and Joonas kisses him. “And to shut you up.”

 

\-----

 

It’s fine being Joonas’s backup. It’s fine not playing a game the entire time he’s in Columbus. It’s fine watching Joonas start (and play) nine games in a row and for him to go 6-1-2. It’s fine to go out with the guys on the team and to see everyone (including Joonas) enjoying themselves.

 

It’s not that he’s being ignored, because Joonas gives him more than enough attention and the rest of the guys make sure he feels included.

 

(Especially at the club that some of the younger guys head out to and Joonas _makes_ Anton come and drags him onto the dance floor. They’re both terrible dancers, but Anton wasn’t really paying any attention to that. It was all Joonas’ hands, mouth, hips...At least from what he can remember.)

 

It just isn’t home. The cannon still scares the shit out of Anton like he’s on the visiting team and the Monsters group chat keeps whining about how they want him back, because they know that Korpi is there to stay in Columbus. The guys are fine, really, Nick’s a great captain and is doing his best to keep him feel included, but...the jokes fall flat with him.

 

Then there’s the fact that he doesn’t even get to actually play hockey.

 

Still, at least he gets to see and hang out with his boyfriend on a regular basis.  So, he keeps doing his best in practice and hoping that maybe Torts will let him have the next one.

 

\-----

 

Torts gives Korpi the nod instead. His tenth game in a row.

 

The next morning after the game, Anton gets the call that he’s going back to Cleveland, McElhinney is coming off IR, so he’s the odd goalie out.

 

He gets his shit together and figures he won’t be coming back down here this season. Joonas will come to Cleveland eventually, even if it happens at the end of the NHL season to help them push for an AHL playoff spot. The NHL season is over in less than two months, he can wait that long.

 

“You’re going to do great, you’ll help them get a good spot for the playoffs.” Joonas says, helping Anton carry a bag down to his car. “Then I’ll be back and...everything will go back to normal!”

 

Anton smiles, he wishes he could have that same optimism. “We’ll make a good run in the playoffs.”

 

Joonas drops the bags before Anton can open his trunk and kisses him. It’s probably their most public (sober) display of affection. “Hey...I love you.”

 

His stomach drops and he sighs, closing his eyes as Joonas presses their foreheads together. “I love you, too. You’re doing great down here.”

 

“Well, it’s not the same without you, but it’s fun.”  
  
Anton scoffs, Joonas literally just won six of his last ten, which is pretty good with all things considered. “You could face a hundred shots and you’d think that was fun.”  
  
“It _would_ be fun,” Joonas grins, kisses him again, and helps load his bags into the car. “Tell the guys I said hi.”  
  
He nods, swallowing down the bitterness, jealousy, and also the adoration he has for Joonas. “Yeah, yeah...have fun here.”

 

The drive back to Cleveland takes what seems to be forever, as if he’s stuck behind every single semi in Ohio. His compass keeps pointing south, but Anton doesn’t really want to go to Columbus. It he was going to just visit and cheer Joonas on, sure, but he doesn’t want to get recalled back down.

 

When Anton gets back to his apartment it’s quiet and he forgot how much he missed it. He sends a quick text in the group chat saying that he’s back and grins as everyone says how happy they are that he’s back.

 

And after not playing, for what seemed like forever, he gets his first start a few days later. A commanding 5-2 win at home.

 

Yeah, it’s good to be home.

 

\-----

 

Anton knows Joonas is on his way home even before Joonas texts him or that the announcement is made, because the needle starts moving in an irregular pattern. It feels like it’s been forever since they’ve seen each other, not quite two months.

 

Joonas comes home in April looking like he just won the cup. His smile is a mile wide and all he can talk about is how _great_ everything was. Anton's happy for him, happy that he did well and had fun, but he wishes he would say how good it is to be back in Cleveland. In their apartment.

 

Joonas comes back and takes the starting job for the Monsters again, so Anton is regulated back to the bench with his backwards hat and only half watching the game.

 

But, it's nice to have Joonas back. It's nice actually seeing him and going out to lunch with him just like how it was at the beginning of the season. The playoff spot the team is in is nice too.

 

Even if it means sitting on the bench

 

\-----

 

Joonas and the rest of the guys make quick work on the Ice Hogs, sweeping them in three games, and it looks like the same thing is going to happen with the Griffins until Joonas stumbles.

 

The Griffins win to make the series 3-1. No big deal, they’ll get them _next time_. They still only need to win one game.

 

The Griffins win to make the series 3-2. Again, no big deal, they’ll close it out in Grand Rapids.

 

In game six in the beginning of the second period, the Griffins takes a 3-1 lead. Joonas gets yanked and Bednar tells Anton to put his mask on. This is _his_ problem now.

 

There’s a lull in the game and Joonas is pissed, all but slams his helmet down and shoves a hat over his head. “You can do this.” He says to Anton before huffing. “Don’t let it go to a game seven.”

 

After Zach scores the game winning goal, Anton starts to skate over to where the rest of the team is celebrating, but waits as Joonas comes out from behind the bench. Joonas throws an arm around his neck, grinning, all anger of him getting pulled is gone. “You did it!”

 

Anton smiles back, “Yeah we did!” They’re headed to the Western Conference Finals. He doesn’t even mind going back to being the backup, he’s so fucking happy right now.

 

After the game and the post-game interviews and the celebration, but before going back to Cleveland, they end up finding a moment to escape and make out in a deserted hallway. For a moment he feels like a regular guy, a fan that no one cares about, like he doesn’t have twenty teammates to get back to. “We have to get back…” He mumbles as Joonas pulls back. “They’re going to come look for us.”

 

Joonas smiles softly and grabs Anton’s hand, bringing his wrist up to his mouth and kissing the compass. “We have a few more minutes, I think.”  
  
“I don’t know, we should really…” Joonas kisses him softly. “Go back…” Another kiss.

 

When they get back to the bus Bednar gives them a look. “Is this going to be a problem?”  
  
“Of course not.” They say at the same time. Anton says it more seriously, but even without looking, he knows that Joonas has a smirk on his face.

 

The rest of the guys continue to give them shit for it. “Is that a hickey I see?” Josh says and everyone cracks up all over again.

 

For some reason Anton loves these guys more than anything.

 

\-----

 

Anton’s trying to not freak himself out with being given the nod to start game one of the conference finals. It’s just one game, but if he does well that could mean he starts game two. It’s great that they’ve made this far, no one expected them to make this far, so if they do lose? It’s fine. They’ll try again next year.

 

_Next year._

 

That starts to get him thinking.

 

Something churns in his stomach and he feels like he could be sick. He knows that at least one new team will be announced in the offseason, possibly two. He knows that there will have to be an expansion draft in the offseason after this one. He tries not to think about it too much. There’s a lot of time between now and the expansion draft. His mother would tell him that he’s worrying over nothing...and he probably is.

 

“What are you doing this summer?” Joonas asks, making Anton come back into focus.

 

It takes him a minute to reply. “Going home, hanging out with my family and friends there.” He shrugs, it’s what he does every offseason. They’ll probably go on vacation somewhere.

 

“You should come to Finland. Meet my family,” says Joonas without even missing a beat.

 

Anton’s jaw drops a little, he wasn’t sure if they were in _that_ part of their relationship yet. It’s no surprise that Joonas is always one step ahead of him. “Um...yes, I’d like that.”

 

\-----

 

After they win the Calder Cup Anton’s pretty sure he stays drunk for a week straight, then another twelve hours during their parade with the Cavs. All he can remember are bits and pieces based off of Instagram posts and tweets, but he’s pretty sure the rest of the team is the same way.

 

Even Zach, who’s not even nineteen yet, because they keep sneaking him beer after beer. “I went to _college_ guys, I know how to drink.” He whines whenever someone protests.

 

He knows that at the parade everyone is there to see the Cavs, fuck even Anton is partially there because he wants to see them, but it’s so cool to see the hundreds of thousands of people in the streets. He doesn’t think anything will beat the rush of him lifting the Cup during the parade. He wants to bottle the feeling up.

 

Joonas and himself stumble into their apartment afterwards, tipsy and unable to keep their hands off of one another. They barely manage to shut the door when Joonas’ hands grab the end of his shirt to pull him close. “We did it.”  
  
And yeah, they did. They brought a championship to Cleveland, they won as an underdog that was ignored for bigger market teams. They did it. Anton swallows and fully realizes, maybe for the first time, that they’re Calder Cup Champions. He isn’t sure what to say, but he ends up not needing to say anything as Joonas kisses him. His fingers curl around his neck and in the short blonde hairs.

 

He loves Joonas more than anything.  

 

He wants to bottle this feeling up even more.

 

\-----

 

The entire flight to Pori Anton can’t sit still. Of course he has to, but he has so much nervous energy that it makes it hard to sit still. He wasn’t even this nervous during the playoffs.

 

What if Joonas’s family _hates_ him? Anton can’t really think of a reason why they would hate him, but he’s positive that there’s probably something hate-able about him.

 

Joonas is waiting for him outside the gate in a white tshirt that makes him look even broader. He’s wearing the Lake Erie Monsters Calder Cup Championship hat backwards and surprisingly doesn’t look bored. It doesn’t take long for Joonas is notice him and a grin breaks out across his face. “You look good.” Is the first thing he says to Anton.

 

Anton gives him a small smile, shaking his head at the notion, and grabs his bags. “Must be the tan, went on vacation with my family last week.” Joonas hums and puts an arm around his shoulders as they walk to his car.

 

The city of Pori is bigger than his own hometown, but it still feels like a small town. Like his own town of Härnösand, it’s right by the gulf and is picturesque in the same way. It feels like it could be home.

 

“My parents are excited to meet you,” Joonas says in a reassuring tone with a smile and a little bit of anxiety melts away. “They’re happy for me...for us.”

 

\-----

 

The week he spends in Finland is the best week he has ever spent. Joonas’ parents are incredibly funny and kind, welcoming him to the family like he was one of their sons. “We will just have to ignore that one blemish.” His mother says.

 

Anton shakes his head, not understanding what she could mean.

 

“Your nationality, of course, sweetheart.”

 

Joonas drives him around, showing him the rink where he first started playing hockey, taking him by the schools he attended. They park in a lot right by a long row of docks when Joonas motions for him to get out of the car. “Follow me,” he says as he takes Anton’s hand. They pass what seems like hundreds before getting to the very last dock, deserted and away from the main points of interest.

 

It’s quiet, there’s a few sounds of other people near the other side where most of the boats are and the sound of the water. “What are we doing here?” He almost cracks a joke about Joonas murdering him here, but thinks it would probably flop.

 

He sits down and takes his sandals off, dipping his feet into the water. Anton follows and does the same. “This is where I had my first kiss.”

 

“Oh?” Is all Anton manages.

 

Joonas nods, kicking his toes in the edge of the water. “I was fifteen...his name was Markus. I thought he was my soulmate at first. He lived across town and...it made sense at the time.”  
  
Anton hums and rests his head on Joonas’s shoulder. “My first kiss was when I was sixteen at a Midsummer festival.”

 

“I wanted to kiss you here,” Joonas says and of course Anton says yes.

 

\-----

 

Anton is back home when the NHL Awards come on.

 

When they announce that Las Vegas will be getting a new team.

 

The expansion draft will be next year in June.

 

\-----

 

His compass has been bothering him more than usual and he can’t figure out why. It didn’t bother him this much last year when Joonas was when Columbus and he was in Cleveland.

 

Part of him thinks the compass is trying to tell him something important, but then he remembers it isn’t sentient, so that’s impossible. Besides, Joonas is doing fine in Columbus. The team, the Blue Jackets that is, is close to clinching a playoff spot.

 

The Monsters on the other hand...he’s having a bad season, to put it simply, but he figures that’s what happens when some of your best players graduate to the NHL. He’s happy for Zach, Josh, Lukas, and Oliver they’re all having great seasons. It’s just that Cleveland isn’t the same anymore.

 

Anton is fine with Brad as his goalie partner, he’s a nice guy, but he’s also getting up there in age and is married with kids. They don’t exactly have a lot in common.

 

He hangs out with Daniel, mostly, but even he can tell that Anton is off this year. “You need vacation.”

 

“We’ll be done in April, so I’ll get one then,” Anton says as he takes a drink of his coffee. It’s an off morning and he needed to get out of the apartment, so he called Daniel. “Next year will be better.”

 

“Are you so sure?”

 

Anton furrows his eyebrows together, he isn’t following. “Um, yes? Why wouldn’t it be?”

 

Daniel shrugs and finishes off his own coffee. “I mean, the expansion draft? Someone will be leaving.”

 

He had been trying to forget about that, push out of his mind until it was June and he had an actual good reason to be worrying about that. “They could just pick someone from Columbus. They have some good players there.” Anton’s not sure why Daniel cares, it isn’t like Las Vegas is going to pick _him_.

 

“Like Korpi,” He says matter-of-factly.

 

It isn’t that Anton forgot that Joonas is probably very attractive to Las Vegas. He’s a decent goaltender that has proved to be a good backup, but he never really thought that Vegas would pick him. “They aren’t going to pick him.”

 

That night Anton goes through the Blue Jackets roster, figuring out who’d they protect and who they’d let Vegas pick from. They have to protect Bobrovsky, not just because of his No Movement Clause, but because he’s been playing some of the best hockey of his career. It’s been fun to watch whenever he has the chance. Which means Joonas has to be unprotected, but that doesn’t mean they’ll pick him.

 

At least that’s what Anton tells himself.

 

\-----

 

The Blue Jackets do well in the playoffs, Joonas doesn’t play of course, but they do well for having one of the youngest teams in the league. Anton goes to every game anyways and gets nostalgic for the Calder Cup run, where he and Joonas where on the same team playing together.

 

Since Joonas has spent almost half the season in Columbus, he got an apartment. It’s nice, nicer than the one in Cleveland. In the living room where the TV is mounted there’s a picture of them together right after they won the cup. There’s a picture of them in the kitchen when he visited Finland over the summer.

 

Since the Monsters didn’t make the playoffs, Joonas gave him tickets to every playoff game and obviously half of his bed.

 

“Are you _finally_ going to shave your face?” Anton chirps trying to lighten the mood. Joonas isn’t too upset, at least not visibly, but it’s still heartbreaking to get bounced.

 

Joonas shoves his shoulder before pulling him down on the bed with him, sighing heavily. “I don’t want to go back home.”

 

Anton swallows heavily, moving so he’s laying on his side to face him. “Why not?”

 

“I just…” Joonas rolls over onto his back, “I want to stay here. In Columbus. With you. It was fun when you were here last year and you were my backup. Felt like it was meant to be.”  
  
“Everything about us is meant to be,” He blurts out and it sounds so corny that Anton covers his face with a pillow. “It’s just…”  
  
Joonas pulls the pillow off his face and rolls on top of him, bracketing his arms around Anton’s head. “I know,” He grabs Anton’s left arm and kisses the compass. “You coming with me back home?”

 

Anton nods his head, he’d follow Joonas anywhere.

 

\-----

 

Except Las Vegas

 

\-----

 

Joonas surprised him with a vacation to the Bahamas, saying how they both deserve to just sit on the beach and drink fruity drinks. “Besides, it’ll be _fun_.”

 

It’s not like Anton is going to say no to going on vacation, so he packs his bags and takes a flight to Finland where they then both fly out together.

 

Currently, they’re sitting by the pool and Anton is drinking something he can’t remember the name of, but it’s cold and sweet and hits all the right notes. Joonas is sitting on the edge of the pool, dipping his feet in and everything seems too good to be true. Joonas is even wearing ridiculously small swimming trunks that makes Anton laugh every time he puts them on.

 

This is exactly what he needed, a getaway with Joonas without worrying about any of the real life stuff or hockey or training for the time being.

 

Joonas’s phone rings and he looks at it, he doesn’t recognize the number off the top of his head, but it looks like it’s from Columbus. “Your phone!” Anton says before Joonas gets up to answer it.

 

It’s quiet on Joonas’s end, as far as Anton can tell since he walked a little bit away from the pool, but he’s trying to read his lips. He wonders if it’s one of the guys from there, possibly asking when he’ll be back in the city. But once Joonas comes back he knows that isn’t the case. It looks like he just got told that one of his family members died. Anton doesn’t want to say anything, doesn’t want to seem nosy if it was a private conversation.

 

“I…” Joonas starts before shaking his head. “I’m going to Las Vegas.”

 

Anton just stares at him, not computing what was just said. That can’t be true. Las Vegas was going to pick a different member of the Blue Jackets, a forward perhaps. “Wh-what?”

 

There’s a long silence and he wonders if Joonas is going to say anything at all or if he’s just too shocked by the call. “I...I’m not a Blue Jacket anymore,” He says quietly, looking down at his lap.

 

No, no, no this was not how the vacation was supposed to go. They were suppose to get away from all the hockey bullshit and just relax for a week and a half. The words barely compute. Joonas was suppose to be the Blue Jackets number one goalie in a couple of years. Maybe with Anton backing him, he wouldn’t even mind it, he thinks now.

 

He was so damn ungrateful when he was backing up Joonas last season in the winter; all he wanted to do was play and he wasn’t able to. He was mad that Joonas was so much more successful than him at the NHL level, that Joonas was so ready to call Columbus, and not Cleveland, home. And now? Anton would would backup Joonas in a heartbeat, even if it meant only playing a couple times a month.

 

Joonas gets a phone call from the GM of the Las Vegas Golden Knights and Joonas tries to smile at the idea of playing in a desert and a completely different timezone.

 

“Over three thousand kilometers away from Columbus,” Anton says quietly.

 

Joonas nods and he’s trying to smile, focus on the positives. “We’ll make it work.”

 

The vacation is ruined regardless and they go back to Finland early.

 

\-----

 

He knows when Joonas is flying to Vegas because his compass slowly goes from pointing east to pointing west. It’s annoying, just like it was when he first started playing professional hockey. The needle keeps pointing aggressively to the west.

 

He knows when Vegas is on a road trip because the needle will slowly point to the southwest, or the northeast. He doesn’t follow the Golden Knights closely, has no idea what their record is, but he knows Joonas is the backup there too.

 

When they Skype Anton doesn’t talk about hockey or Columbus or anything of home. He talks about how much he misses him and then let’s Joonas do all the talking.

 

“It’s...different. It’s like a team of misfits,” Joonas laughs and Anton smiles for him. “Most of the guys are really nice, but I haven’t really…” There’s a pause and the smile drops from both of their faces. “It’ll feel like home soon, I’m sure.”

 

Anton nods, forces the smile back, and keeps his mouth shut. He isn’t going to make Joonas feel even worse. “I’m glad you’re doing okay.”

“I miss you,” Joonas blurts out almost immediately after Anton finished his sentence. “The compass is driving me crazy, even if it does help me keep track of you.”

 

What he wants right now more than anything is to be able to reach out and touch Joonas, instead he balls his hands up into fists. “I miss you, too, Joonas...like a lot.”

 

The call ends a few minutes later with both of them saying _I love you_ and also realizing this is their life now. This is what they’ll have to do if they want to see each other during the regular season.

 

It’s a terrible feeling.

 

\-----

 

Anton doesn’t check the schedule, he only knows what game is coming up, doesn’t circle any important games that he’s looking forward to. He tries not to think too far in the future, especially when he may not even be playing against some of those teams. The joys of being a backup goaltender. Still, it’s fun to watch Bobrovsky play and he’s slowly feeling like a part of a team that could do something really special.

 

It helps that he’s playing much better this year than the years before.

 

They beat the Panthers 5-3 and before Anton is getting ready to leave Torts pulls him aside and tells him he’s going to start the next game. “It’s against Vegas. How do you feel about that?”  
  
Anton’s favorite thing about Torts is that usually he leaves the goalies alone and lets the goaltending coach be in charge. “Against who?” He says, trying make sure he heard that correctly.

 

“Las Vegas,” says Torts plainly. He seems a bit annoyed, but really, what else is new?

 

Right, Anton thought that’s what he said, but wanted to make sure. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll be ready.”

 

\-----

 

He knows the minute they land in Columbus and make it to the hotel where visiting teams stay, it’s the same hotel he and Joonas stayed out of a couple season ago, because his compass is pointing northwest just ever so slightly.

 

Just like it did a couple season ago.

 

Anton pulls out his phone before getting into his car, **_Welcome home_ ** , he sends.

 


End file.
